Choked Desolation

 Abstract

Being in the closet is never an easy thing. It might look like turning away and avoiding the struggles of being different might be a better alternative. But to hide oneself over long periods of time is a lonely and challenging thing to do and an extremely solitary place to be in. This poem is a window towards that bleak solitude which many of us has experienced atleast once in our lives, irrespective of being queer or not.

Poem

Locked in fog,

So thick it looks painted on me

In the color of dread,

That even I can't see myself,

Trembling out of fear or frost

In that jolly-looking mask of paint,

Hiding the ME

In that pretty little cave

Actually, the leaky little cave.

The Mask? The Cave? The Fog?

All so cold and dry,

Except for the tears, bitter in torment,

I never knew,

Choking and leaking off ME,

Blanketing and stinging my fingers

Smeared in cold

Numb in the chill, 

Closing on ME,

Coloured in terror,

Dimly longing for warmth

For home...

But afraid all the same

Afraid to leave the Fog

Out of the Cave, 

Called the CLOSET.

Locked in fog painted on me

In the color of dread

Conditioned to hide in the leaky little cave,

Unbeknown of my right to venture beyond,

Of the light beyond

I stand weary and drained

From the agony

Of the rejection of ME

Chaining me to the Fog,

Remote and deserted

Obscuring ME, forsaken and despondent,

Trembling in that jovial mask of paint

Only to ask, "Why?"

With an answer as foggy

And blue as the CLOSET,

The only home for ME,

Ever...

My Most Relatable Movie: Milk

 

Recently, I came across the first openly gay man to get awarded an Oscar, Mr. Dustin Lance Black. He was awarded the Oscar for the screenplay of a movie called ‘Milk’. This 2008 movie was written based on the life story of the first openly gay politician and activist in America, Harvey Milk. It features the difficulties faced by Mr. Milk in the 70s to become California’s first openly gay individual to get elected to public office in a society where homosexuality was prosecuted and his activities aimed at obtaining gay rights till he was assassinated.

Though it may not be embellished by high-investment-graphics like the Marvel movies, it had beautifully portrayed the raw feelings of people during the time and how the LGBTQ+ movements today are so similar to those earlier but how they could be far more effective. Lance expertly describes how Harvey’s ideology of bringing together different vulnerable groups and using the power of one to help another helped Milk win the campaign against the repealing of Proposition 6 with the aid of the worker groups. Moreover, Harvey also spreads the heartfelt message of how hope will never be silent, which in itself empowered me as a cisgender female LGBTQ+ individual.

Though almost the whole film continuously gave me goosebumps with its powerful messages, Lance’s promise of getting the court to repeal Proposition 8 while he was receiving his Oscar was the most overwhelming and empowering message. The sheer fact that people of power and those having celebrity status would take years off their career for the cause of letting people live and express themselves as who they are and love who they want to was very heartwarming. Furthermore, throughout their activities in regard to Proposition 6 and Proposition 8, both Harvey and Lance, respectively, highlighted the importance of personal stories rather than just blind marches and processions to touch the hearts of fellow human beings.

Both Lance and Harvey has motivated me to use the story of my pain and hardships to slowly influence the people near me and then expand that influence to wider circles providing relief and helping many people of the heterosexual majority to understand and relate with the LGBTQ+ community. This has helped me understand that though it may take time, I have the power to sway a lot of people and do my hand to dispose off the prejudice related to the LGBTQ+ community, so that I can help both others and myself. I could see that from the sheer fact of how my mother, at first, was in denial when I came out but now accepts who I am and over time, she is understanding me more deeply. Thus, Milk (2008) has been the most relatable movie I have ever seen and it has been my favourite since then.

Why Are You Like That?

Abstract

What would you feel like if someone asked why you acted like yourself? This story delves into a facet of that question and shows how that question can let someone down and how they pick themselves up. It describes the intense and raw feelings of a lost person. It also shows how one person's lessons and efforts can pick another person up. This story is a snippet from my life.

Story

I sat up on my bed feeling dizzy from my long slumber. The clock showed 10 am, 3 hours to my interview. Still unsure, I looked at the blinding sunlight gliding through my room. I got up and went to the kitchen of my 1BK studio apartment to prepare my coffee.

Sipping my coffee, I went back to my bed and stared blankly at the dust particles floating through the sunlight which flooded my mind with memories. 

I was in the 15th year of my life when I had my first love. We had moved to Oman for my father's business and changed buses to commute to school. On my first day on the bus, since people had fixed seats and I didn’t know anyone, I had sat alone somewhere in the first few seats. 

Her stop was exactly two stops after mine. Though she hadn't made much of a first impression, I had seen her noticing a new face. Few minutes later, she was standing before me and asking, "Are you new here?" I remember whispering a broken "yes", to which she had offered, "Do you want to sit with me?" I recall that making me really glad. 

Soon, we were having the time of our lives talking and visiting each other. She seemed like my only ray light in the dark and lonely world. We were quite close when I met another senior, in the same bus, who was especially close to her. Though there was nothing between them, I could sense myself getting pretty jealous of their proximity.

Back then, I didn't realize what my feelings were. So, a confession was the last thing on my mind. But now that I have realized them, they have become good memories…

My phone’s vibration woke me up from my thoughts. I got up from my bed to go to the bathroom, removed my clothes and looked at my naked body in the mirror. I ran my fingers along my curves. Seeing the tubelight’s shine bouncing along them immersed me in my thoughts once again.

I was 19 when the bulb finally lit. Quite a late-bloomer, I started doubting my sexuality. I probably started doubting that I may be different, a year before that but never realized that it was my sexuality at the end of the day. Moreover, being in a new country and unfamiliar environment didn't help. Though I had an inkling of being gender-blind, I only became sure after moving to India. 

Besides, by the time I was 20, I was 3 years into a crush on my bestfriend. During the first year, it was very confusing and, often, anxiety and denial took over me because I thought that I was mixing up feelings of friendship with that of love. Not knowing that I'm pansexual didn't help. I didn't even know that I was gender-blind for sure. This was quite a turbulent but insightful time. But it was only once I became sure of my sexuality that I became completely sure of my feelings. 

It was during a class that I first discussed my doubts of not being straight with a friend of mine. Then, it was a tsunami of research and trying out tests on sexualities and related stuff. It was a very confusing time and the feeling that I couldn't fit in anywhere which I had all through my childhood was becoming all the more prominent. I felt isolated and since I wasn't sure of things, I couldn't even talk about it to anyone.

I remember having those "friendly conversations" with my guy friends in college regarding sex and sexualities and me being open about the fact that my partner's biological sex not mattering to me even before I had doubts that I was different. Getting weird looks during those talks were a given, though it never mattered.

Slowly, as I became sure of my sexuality, I started testing the waters with my parents. Once I became firmly sure, I came out to my best friend. He was very accepting which, for the most part, I knew he would be, was still relieving. But the sheer fact that people had no awareness about the terms 'pansexual' and 'demisexual' was harder than the process of coming out. And like most of the pansexuals out there, I did get the exasperating question of whether I liked pans.

Coming out to my parents was quite arduous as it was exhausting to get them to understand the concept of it. At first, mom was in denial but she slowly came around. Dad didn't seem to understand it and just ignored the sheer fact of it. It took a lot of attempts to get at least a question of acknowledgement - "Why are you like that?" - from my dad. And that wasn't the last time I got asked that question. But over time, dad seems to have accepted it, though, both of them still prefers my future partner to be of the opposite sex abiding to the societal norms of heteronormativity.

Then, I tried using dating apps to interact with people from the queer community since I didn't know whatelse to turn to. This was quite an eye-opening experience. I asked an individual who identified as lesbian, "Did you come out yet". She replied, "I haven't yet but I'll once I get a job". I asked, "Why do you have to wait until then?" and she replied, "I might be kicked out of my house. So, I need some sort of guarantee". That's when I understood where I might have been if my parents weren't as open-minded as they were. This interaction gave the image of 'coming out' being a gamble. 

Once she heard that my situation wasn't as bad, she said, "It's probably because you can get it on with the opposite sex too". This made me feel quite weird as it felt like just because I can go for all genders and some of my options may abide to the societal notions of heteronormativity, I belong neither to the queer community nor the heterosexual majority. It was as if my sexuality was something wrong, an anomaly. 

Even then, I wanted to proudly express who I am and what I am to the world. So, staying in the closet was never an option for me. So, I began coming out to my other friends, teachers and acquaintances. And once again, the hardest part was explaining what each term meant over and over again. Me being assumed as lesbian and being asked questions like "are you more into girls?", "can you even marry someone?" were such tedious misunderstandings to clear up that I wanted to give up a lot of times. Explaining it all over and over again was not just cumbersome, it felt like being ripped naked each time. 

Even then, I persevered through it until I stumbled upon that dreadful question once again, "Why are you like that?". Though it was just an innocent doubt my friend had, it felt like a thorn being nailed into me. It made me feel wrong, like an unrepairable mishap that happened during the manufacturing process, as if the only solution was to dispose it off.

Though I slowly gained courage to get back up again, I was again faced with questions like "why are you not hiding it if you aren't normal because if I were, I would have hid it for sure". This made me question why being different was a source of shame when I had done nothing wrong. Gradually, I started to only come out to people who belonged to the LGBTQI+ community themselves or people who worked for related purposes.

I took the freshly ironed suit from my wardrobe and propped it on. ‘I look good,’ I said to myself.

The interview lasted for about an hour. 

“Yes, sir,” I replied. 

“You have done pretty well and I think you are quite qualified for the job,” the interviewer said.

“Thank you”

“You will soon be informed of further particulars.”

I walked out of the building with confidence in my stride. 

Little did he know that he just interviewed the youngest board member in the company’s history…

“REVOLUTION IN THE CORPORATE SECTOR

'Being at home during the lockdown, I got involved in a lot of online pride events. That was when I finally felt liberated, as if I didn't have to hide anything, as if I finally belonged somewhere, somewhere I need not be ashamed of being myself. I felt like I wasn't a mistake and that I didn't need to apologize so much, in my heart, to my parents for being born. Being recognised for who I am felt like my life, a black and white picture by then, was finally being filled with vibrant colours. This gave me the courage to keep going forward,' said the youngest….."

The deafening noise of the train couldn’t disrupt the flow of her eyes from the newspaper. Sarah felt more confident in herself.